I'm Baaaccckkkk!!

     I'm baaaccckkkkk! It's been a long few weeks since my last blog but I've had a good reason. I was in a huge amount of pain and trying to bite through the pain and do as much as I could before surgery would make those activities impossibly for a few a months. I'm on my 5th day after surgery and on my counts down until November 15th for the next one.

     Unfortunately my doctors did not head my warning of knowing my body and that I was going to need both hips replaced, not just one. They were planning on opening up both sides but if they would have opened up my right side they would have immediately closed it back up because they had not planned to fully replace that hip. That would have left me with a second long and painful wound to heal from. After demanding an x-ray on my right side, we finally got one and the doctors saw that I was right and decided to only open and replace the left side. I had the option of staying in the hospital for two weeks and getting my right side replaced a week after my left was, but if you've been following this blog or know me at all then you know that preparing myself for a three day hospital stay and ending up with possibly over two weeks, is my absolute worst nightmare. The hospital just gives me such anxiety and after the horrible experience I had in those three days at an adult hospital) choosing not to say the name due to the fact that I still have another operation happening at this hospital) , I just could not do it. I opted to instead go home and wait seven weeks until my left side is completely healed to have the right side operated on. Keeping in mind this was an adult hospital which I had never stayed at still did not prepare us for the arrogance of some of the staff and the disgusting quality my room was in. As soon as we got there they started planning a surgery on my right side that would not be able to be completed. We had to tell several people I needed an x-ray before I actually got one. They also assured me as soon as I was out of surgery my grandmother would be called back so I could have my glasses and not wakeup disoriented and confused, I was in the recovery room for 45 minutes before my grandmother was even notified I was out of surgery. I had a few aides that were extremely rough and someone take my blood that after I insisted I was a hard stick decided to try the hardest area anyway and decided to dig for a few minutes before giving up, this has left me with two painful bruises covering the places she dug into just to give up and try somewhere else. Our room was also just gross. My Mommom could wipe a towel on a small spot on the floor and it would come up black. Someone came into clean the room and rubbed his mop in about a five foot radius then left, didn't even glance at the bathroom. It was very frustrating as someone prone to infections since I have a low immune system. But either way I am thankful for the job the surgeon did. I am slowly recovering and praying everything went well on the inside. He even took a picture of what he took out of me like I asked him to. He was an amazing man and was so kind. I only wish the people I had interacted with after him were the same. It was a jumbled mess even down to me leaving. My nurse was going to give me a dose of pain medicine for the way home since it was going to be bumpy and painful, about an hour before we were supposed to leave my nurse went MIA and we did not see him again, instead his aid took me down with the woman shadowing her to the place my Aunt would pick me up. The bumpy hour long ride home was even more painful because I had not gotten that dose of pain medication. Now I am going to get extremely personal but this is a reality for many cancer patients or patients after a major surgery that not many people talk about.... Once I got home everything seemed to be okay. I was walking with my walker fine and sitting up perfectly fine. It wasn't until I needed to go to the bathroom that everything went back to the aggravation felt in the hospital. We quickly discovered that the commode they had given me was too small, my hips were too swollen to fit between the bars. I'm sure you can guess what happened without outright saying it. I began crying and feeling so embarrassed but this is not the first time something like this has happened and left me in tears, confused and embarrassed. During stem cell the nurse kept telling me to hold it just a little longer and hours went by with me consistently asking him to let me go with him replying that if I move it will mess up all of the hours of work they had done. This caused an inevitable scene which was so embarrassing and painful that although I was on so many meds then for the pain that I lost most of my memory from that time, I still vividly remember that. It happened when I had PCP or PJP Pneumonia and was on so much medication I couldn't control any part of myself, let alone my bowels. Each time I've had this happen to me I've obsessed over it and felt so completely embarrassed like there is something wrong with me or I am incompetent in some way. Neither of those are true. The medicine really take over and you just can't control what happens. It's apart of this whole journey that really does suck and no one talks about it because it's embarrassing you don't want anyone knowing that you went through that, only the people that were unfortunate enough to be there. And sometimes you even feel embarrassed in front of them. But you can't feel that way. They are there to help you. You cannot control what is happening and that's not your fault. Not at all. My grandmother told me that everytime it happened and often cried with me because she knew how much it killed me, but I should have listened to her the first time because it would have saved me a lot of nights obsessing and tearing into myself about something I couldn't control.

Sorry to make this such a long one but I needed to prepare myself for what I was going to say because I am putting myself out there for people to know something extremely personal, but I hope them knowing that it's normal will save them the anger and frustration I had with myself for a long time. So, now I am going to relax and heal. I will enjoy Halloween, I am itching to be able to do some Halloween makeup but I can't yet sit at my station. Then I will have my surgery on the 15th of November and hopefully get out in time to enjoy my 19th birthday on the 20th❤️

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