It's one thing to forget and move on, and it's an entirely different emotional state and feeling to move past

     Taking a deep breath and moving on isn't always the solution. It doesn't always solve the problem for more than an hour. I faced watching my friends enjoying their final homecoming pep rally, football game, and homecoming dance this weekend. At first, I was devastated because I couldn't be there. I asked to be sent pictures but they all just made me more upset. Taking a deep breath and stepping away from my phone wasn't enough. Its was more than just one night of events. It felt like I was repeatedly being hit with the fact that I am missing my senior year. It felt impossible to escape the feeling of not being there. The feeling of missing something so important to me. I kept looking away and taking deep breaths, but that wasn't working this time. 

     I had to deal with the fact that I will have to miss things teens not in my shoes will get to participate in. The feeling of envy and being cheated are ugly feelings, but we have to feel them. And I did. However, in the end, I am not there because I'm having my life saved.

 "But don't let the negativity consume you. Let the future excite you and the past just remind you."

      I'm not at that game or dance because instead nurses and doctors are saving my life. If I went to that game I may have made it through the game but the next day I may not have woken up because we recently discovered that I am dealing with pulmonary hypertension. My heart may not have been able to take the excitement of that game, or of that dance. I'm where I need to be. I'm where I need to be in order to live.

     If I want to make lasting amazing memories in my future I need to sacrifice some memories in high school. I have to be ok with this. I can not change that I will miss these things, I could, but I could die. 

     Instead of just breathing and stepping away, I assessed it. I made peace with why I can't be there. Why I can't be where my friends are now because I want to be with my friends in 5, or 10, or 30 years, and still be able to make memories then. It's ok to feel cheated and envious and angry. But don't let the negativity consume you. Let the future excite you and the past just remind you.


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